The impulsive me!
I was not taught to care and love in a way that weakens the receiver.
My love is the kind of love that corrects, empowers and strengthens you.
My love never makes you addicted to it
My love doesn’t intoxicate
My love doesn’t make you dependent on me
My love makes you independent
My love can only set you free..
My love teaches you how to rejoice in your own good, whether or not you are with me!
This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.
Oh wow! This was pre-written for me when I joined WordPress; a powerful blogging platform which helps expressive extroverts like us who love to write or talk or somehow get the thoughts of our minds out and present it in a verbal form and share it with the whole world!!
Ehhh…Sounds good? Nah! It did not for me, once. I was asked a most powerful question by one of my introvert friend, when I managed to write out my first blog, successfully publish it and shared it with my friends, the prospective audience of a startup blogger and an amature or aspiring writer. I was taken aback by the simplicity of the question and yet the difficulty I had in answering it. She simply asked me Why do people blog? She simply asked why…
This got me thinking.. Her idea about bloggers was that they go about sharing every experience and opinions of theirs, feeling as if they were the experts in the respective fields out there. I was taken aback by her opinion and by the rude judgmental remarks.
But almost at the same time, I thought I got my first negative feedback right from a friend whom I thought was close. This kinda helped me have a rough expectation of how bad the reception of my blogging path could get. So being prepared for anything is always expected if we wish to write in public.
With this redefined thoughts, here I come; an impulsive person who loves to express and someone who lives in her own terms.
When people ask me what’s wrong?
“Is it possible to verbalize everything that’s going on? And everything that one is going through?”
“If at all I muster up my courage and tell you, are you even gonna understand what I say or what am going through?
“If I gather the strength to put in words all that happened, are you even going to understand it?”
Oh I am tired of the endless advices I get, in all forms, shaped and flavours;
“Oh you have everything, a perfect life. What is missing in your life, tell me?”
“Please do not think too much; “It’s all in your head, you imagine something that doesn’t even exist.”
“I say this for your good, a positive outlook and attitude can alone help you sail out of all this.”
“Don’t exaggerate negativity and stay on it. Move on, you have children and the family to be taken care of”
“Oh this happens in every home and every households and it’s us who should bead a little. So have patience”
“Women needs to bear all this to keep the family in one piece. We are born with the strength to withstand miseries.”
“It’s after all verbal abuse. Why fuss so much when there are so many women who get physically abused and yet keep mum”
“Try to ignore and keep a low profile. You will get used to it one day.
And here is a post scrip on the advice anthology:
Don’t open this up anywhere. Your parents might be heartbroken. The society may mock at you if your marriage fails. The other men will try to take advantage of you. This society will not let a single women live peacefully and respectably. And on and on it goes!
~ Domestic Abuse Victims
Have your ever realised that,
Gradually in the process of distancing yourself
From something you loved so much,
You destroy a part of yourself every single day,
Every single instance and every single moment!
….
Have you even sat back to discover,
What harm and abuse have you done to yourself?
In the name of trying to make it work first,
And then trying to cling on
Even when you know that it is not meant to be!
….
Has anyone else ever understood you,
Why you did whatever you chose to do
After trying hard, struggling to sustain,
Getting hurt so badly, deeply, repeatedly
And still trying again to survive in a relationship!
….
Have you ever given up finally,
Gave up on trying to save yourself,
Gave up on trying to be normal and sane
Gave up on your standards and on the kinda life
That you should be living, because you realise…
…
That you neither can change anything
Nor can you withstand this anymore!
You are trapped for life coz you’ve once sinned (loved)
And either you chose to punish or part ways,
It’s only gonna hurt and ruin you !!
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If someone doesn’t hear you,
Your loud shout isn’t gonna grab their attention.
And if someone doesn’t want to understand you,
Your meek cries aren’t gonna change anything.
…
You don’t always have to speak to be heard.
You don’t really have to be heard to be understood.
Sometimes even when you speak out loud and clear,
They just don’t want to hear or understand you.
…
Sometimes SILENCE can be the last resort,
And the only solution!
If your loudest silence of pain can’t get them back,
You do not need such a person in your life!!
Wish to share something with the world in poem form? Want your thoughts, an ode or a tribute to be beautifully written and published? Write a five line excerpt to getpapillon@gmail.com.
It was 18 years ago, this day he told me those three words. And overall it was 20 years since we were into this. Still I couldn’t give ‘it’ a name!
This is how her diary entry for this day began.
She doesn’t want to call it a love affair…Clearly it isn’t now as they are already married. Like every other case, love ends in a marriage, doesn’t it?
Well, jokes apart. So, she could call it a happy married life, or at the least, a married life, can’t she?
Well, again she didn’t want to limit this relationship and this roller coaster experience by calling it a married life. It would be giving it a very traditional make up, making it sound like a very limiting experience.
Don’t get me wrong when I say this. It’s not that marriages are no fun or that they are easy. They are very vast and the experience of being in a marriage, especially in a county like ours, could be an immense, emotionally rich and demanding experience by itself where you face too many challenges and learn to solve them all one by one.
Yet, compared to their experiences and the challenges that they have faced in this relationship, calling it just a marriage could be an understatement.
Even now, if she could reflect upon her last 20 years, she remembers all the important moments so vividly and she is able to see clearly through her mind’s eye, every milestone; a decision made, an occasion, a celebration, a fight, a lesson learnt from it and all those important things that she has discovered about this man whom she thinks as her twin soul.
Yes, she still thinks that he is her twin soul for he is only person on this earth to whom she can be herself, the Real Her!
Anyways, it had not been a comfortable journey, nor a pleasant one, in fact. Through it all, through all those fights and cries and pain and love, through all those mistakes and guilt and expectations and fulfillments, through all the anger and frustration and rejections and self revelations, she knows that there are these two things for which they could celebrate this relationship for.
One is that, through all these years of living with each other, they have now come to a point where they could both exchange genuine emotions for each other. They don’t have to fake anything in this relationship. She has always been true to her emotions and now she thinks he is too.
And the second one is that they both love each other despite all the reasons they have discovered to hate each other!
Her diary entry today read;
Not sure if I should call it a Happy Anniversary to us but I love you. (And again, not still sure if this is a good idea for both of us 😝)
You got an interesting experience to share? Want a page from your diary beautifully rewritten and anonymously published? Write a five line excerpt to getpapillon@gmail.com.
Happiness is
Having yarn to crochet..
Buying so much new yarns..
Buying yarns in so many colours..
Making food items in crochet..
Talking to friends about crochet..
Receiving an order!
Earning that little money through crafting, to support my crafting!
A good sleep to dream about crochet..
Having a pet that loves you and so you can make her crochet accessories.
Waking up fresh and early in the morning to crochet..
Watching the sun rise and set while you crochet..
Riding a bike to buy crochet stuffs
The heavy breeze fluttering on your face when you ride.
Stay up at night so you can crochet
Listening to music at night when your crochet
Having so many pattern books to look up..
Using my iPhone to find more crochet patterns..
HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS CROCHET…
It is one of those midnights when I miss you terribly for no reason. Makes me ponder what did you do to me that my feelings for you is so potent?
It was midnight again. She sat there looking at the old tattered piece of yellowed paper, withered off from her very old journal, which had the above texts scribbled!
The text had been blurred out with time, but not her feelings. She tries to touch the paper and it almost crumbled into bits and powder.
And she wonders and questions herself, unable to determine the exact potential of her love for him. He who never came for her, he who never was there for her, the wrong guy in her life!
Alas, how is it that some women always choose to fall and be in love, even with their wrong choices?
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From the deep dark insides of her heart,
where her real true self lurked,
the real her into which she has now become,
Sometimes peeped outside, for few brief moments.
.
She wasn’t this before,
She doesn’t know what she’ll become into,
She didn’t understand the women she is now,
But she knew this was the ‘true her’ now
,
Yes, life has changed her,
And yes, she has given up.
She felt no shame these days,
In admitting that she couldn’t withstand.
.
She was taught never to go wrong,
She was brought up never to sin,
Perfection wasn’t a goal,
It was simply the way to live!
.
Now she isn’t anything near perfect,
Not even sure if she is even right,
Thin is the line between the right and the wrong,
It was long since her tears had it washed off.
.
Many a times she had to pick herself up,
From the broken pieces of her self,
And stitch herself into one,
From the rags and pieces that she picked up.
.
Now it was hard for her to look,
Deep down into her own darkened conscience,
At the women that life has made her into,
But this was ‘all’ that was left of her now.
.
This, is what is left of ‘her’ now,
And she is left with ‘this’ to call it ‘herself’ but,
She knew the world had a different name for this,
Yes, she’d be THE BITCH for what she is right now!
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Dear Mothers!
As we raise our kids, the future of a country, of the world, may we understand and pass on the importance of financial and emotional independence to our kids? Yes, to our kids, not just to our daughters!
Freedom is the ultimate power. Without being independent, emotionally, financially and psychologically, there is no freedom!
Educate your daughters to be emotionally strong. Nurture them to have a good EQ. Emotional quotient is more important than intelligence quotient.
We know that our attitudes determines our success more than our aptitude. Teach your kids this and also that their EQ determines their happiness.
Stress on the need to have a career for your daughters. Teach your sons how to take it and how to support such a woman.
Raise your sons to understand that taking her decisions, having her priorities and choices is not a sin. Tell them that being feminine is not necessarily being meek and helpless.
Make your sons understand that she is not arrogant if she is independent. Encourage them to take financially and emotionally independent partners.
Let your sons take pride in sharing their lives with a strong independent woman, instead of expecting their woman to be under them or instinctively accepting that she is!
Let’s make this world a better place by rising the mental standards of our children.
In ways beyond her conscious recognition, he harmed her so softly and subtly. He left no trails, showed no signs, told no words. Neither did he perform deeds of cruelty or abuse. But he kept the underlying current of hate and revenge steady.
He knows her inside out. He knows the way she reads the slightest of his signals! He used this very virtue of her against her. He knew how to make her feel punished and inflict pain in infinite ways.
As the continuous wave of pain hits her periodically, she loses a part, a very tiny portion of herself, her efficiency, her positivity, and her talents in combating the pain. Superficially all is well and was always well for she never recognised any of this.
Her gradual deterioration was consuming and confusing. She had no idea of what wasn’t going right. She only knew he loved her.
But why does he make her feel increasingly uncomfortable with each day? Why does her inner self alert her more and more after every little emotional outburst and that which looked something like a patch up? Why does she feels more anxious around his presence these days?
Why are the times which once used to feel reassuring feels embarrassing now? Why is that those shoulders which once felt safe and secured now feels powerful and imposing? Why is her emotional frame is more scared, helpless and hopeless around him these days? Why does she feel so abandoned and lonely right when she is with him?
What is that unfamiliar emotion that she sees these days (or the nights when he decides to show his raw emotions with the support of alcohol or on the pretext of being boozed) instead of the familiar warm love that used to once fill those tiny yet deep eyes?
She finally realised…
It was all a complex response to what she had once confessed to him. She had confided on him. But he had never trusted one bit of her confession. It had only broken him.
He was left damaged beyond repair by her seemingly deliberate mistake. He hadn’t expected that from her. She had broken his anticipation, his trust and his heart in turn.
And so, she must suffer! How dare she? How could she dare to confess all that to him? On top of it, she claims that it wasn’t a deliberate mistake! Well, now, how could she forgive herself and come out of her guilt? This bothered, infuriated him the most.
His mind wasn’t ready to believe anything of what she said, says or would say in the future. It was over. He had trusted her enough and he had gotten back enough for it.
But anyways, he wouldn’t react to anything now. It was time to employ his classic style of revenge. She would have handled anything else better. She would have handled a instant fit of wild reactions better. He knew that the only way to spite her was to keep loving her, but this time, a very different kind of love.
He knew well to hide his revenge and wrap it in the blanket of love. He used his love to despise her. He put on his trustworthy confidant mask despite his distrust and disgust towards her. He wasn’t gonna shout or fight or move away from her and let her move on!
He wasn’t gonna express his feelings at all. He is convinced that she cheated him. He is now so filled with grudge that, he needs her now to hate her.
Hers was a mistake and she realised and repented for it. She had confessed and apologised! She didn’t expect forgiveness, understanding or acceptance. But she couldn’t take dishonestly and hypocrisy.
All this hurt her doubly for she knew that he was not happy despite doing all this to hurt her. His revenge and negativity harmed him too but she loved him and wanted peace and happinesses for him. But alas, this parade of hate and revenge is so self harming as well.
LOVE when breaks can become a very potent slow poison that kills no one but destroys whoever was involved in it.
You got an interesting experience to share? Want a page from your diary beautifully rewritten and anonymously published? Write a five line excerpt to getpapillon@gmail.com.
Dog person or a cat person, some may ask. I would say both. I love both of them for their own unique qualities. But I think I am done with the dog phase of my life and am on to the cat phase.
The dog
Dogs may mean unconditional love. They are so loving, giving and selfless. No matter what, they are always there for you when you want them. All you have to do is just call them. They come to you with so much love that it’s all seen in their eyes and so full of expectations to be petted and anticipation of being loved back.
The cat
Cats are lovely and independent. They don’t belong to anyone. You can’t own them. They own themselves and if possible own their owners too. 😜 They have a unique attitude of doing what their mind wants. They never try to please you; Absolute emotional honesty that I feel we humans can’t afford.
Cats are private animals and they highly value their private time. When it’s time for some love and affection, they know how to get it from you.
Oh yeah! They have some dedicated time for love and affection. It’s just not their entire life. They preserve their wild nature, their space and privacy.
My relationship styles resembled close to that of a dog’s. Love was a priority and a primary need! Little did I liked cats back then because i never knew about them.
But when I realise how important self love and personal space is, I started to dote the cats for their majestic personality. I covet her strength and sustainability. I am awed by her fierce yet subtle love.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.” – Lloyd Alexander
Like the rains he was,
No one knew when would he be coming,
Or that he was coming,
Anyways he was much coveted,
And was always welcome.
*
Like the rains he was,
He was unpredictable and impulsive,
Yet I could use up every drop of him.
Anyone would always need him
And much more of him!
*
A midsummer rain,
bringing joy into people’s lives,
A midsummer night dream,
that brought in LOVE into my life!
The Rains are back and so is he!
She felt heavy. She feels this way, way too often these days. She doesn’t fuss about it anymore. All she does is sit wide awake all night doing nothing when this wave hits her, when something or someone sets off these train of feelings in her. It was her new way of dealing with that external stimuli.
But she knew that she has no pronounced reason for any negative feelings in her life now. Her life has just become so much better now. She lives in peace. She is happier. She cares less about the wrongs of her life and about the wrong people. She loves herself more.
She is now over those nagging craving for love that she had. She is over her disturbing past, that was nothing but too many depressive episodes where characters, roles and stories changed but the end result remained the same.
She loved her new found self sufficiency. She was never this happy her entire life. She is stronger now, she thought. But what was this strange feeling that is puzzling her right now? She had no answer. Does anyone of you have?
Frustrated, I said,
“Forget appreciation or recognition, it’s really hard to go on without basic respect for each other in a relationship and for the things that we do for each other!”
“Oh oh woa…But wait” the voice within me told.
“Do you think respect should be from another person outside of you? Do you respect yourself enough? Do you respect your discretion to do good, better and the best for your family? Do you possess that killer quality called self esteem? Do you appreciate your ability to be genuine?” It went on.
“Of course I do! Why are you even asking me all this? Don’t you know already?” I burst, unable to contain my anger that sprung upon the recent damage done to my dignity.
“Because I had to remind you about these things that I just said! Because you seemed to have forgotten those lovely things about you! Because you let others, even worse, those who intend to damage you (according to your own accusations) let decide your worth, your character and your value. By expecting others to respect you and your intentions and the good things you do for them, you only hand down your key to self esteem and self worth to others, worse, the damagers.” The voice explained, strongly.
“So do you believe in what those bunch of people, who have their own personal problems, preferences and bias can be a fair judge of you? Also, are you going to hold their mediocre opinions and comments about you above your own and value it more than your sense of self worth?” It continued.
“When others accuse you, consider it. Reflect upon it. If you find it true, work on it. But it’s fake or biased, move on! May be they aren’t in the same page as you to understand you. They don’t have to, in fact. Similarly, you don’t have to prove that you’re right to anyone else. Genuine people are gonna understand sooner or later.
Be your best. Strive to get better everyday. Self worth and respect cannot be from any external source, same is true for disrespect and disregard too.”
The inner voice clarified!
When I fell, I was wondering why did I have to fall again and why did it ought to be so painful again..
But now I realise;
May be because it was to make me understand the strength that lies within me.
May be because it was for me to believe that I can still get back up.
May be because for me to learn how I can still start from square one again.
May be because to show me how to stay positive even in negative times.
May be because to make me feel that taste of fresh happiness all over again.
May be because I should appreciate the real beauty of being up and high.
May be because it was to teach me that I should never ever give up getting back again.
May be because it’s just the way to live..
Fall..fight back..get up again and again and AGAIN!
It was almost the end of January already. There wasn’t even one good day for her since this new year had dawned. In fact the gloom had set in as early as her birthday which was about ten days before the new year. Strangely enough, there was absolutely nothing at all going wrong on her birthday this year. Probably, that itself was very wrong 😜
Well, jokes apart, even he had taken the day off just to be there with her on her special day, which was like a super rare thing to happen in her life. Logically, she should have been super happy for that. Yet she couldn’t identify or name that some sort of a pesky negative vibe that was beginning to set in within her. She blamed it all on her sleepless nights and the little beer that she had on her birthday eve. She had no idea then that the future had more in store for her.
Positivity wasn’t her habit until recently. She had been a negative person within and she never knew anything about it until one of her bestie had dared to point out, without any tact or mercy. She had been shocked to hear that first. But it always worked that way for her for her inability to read from subtle hints that people or situations left for her to decode. The painfully frank and plain individual that she was had removed any bit of the talent that remained in her to infer unsaid things.
Ever since her friend had pointed out, it took her a while to exactly understand and come to terms with it. And after that, she worked on it, constantly but slowing and she had only recently reached a good safe place of personal positivity, a forever positive attitude that did not depend on any of the external factors at all, including him, most importantly.
But what had happened now? What has changed? She couldn’t understand anything. But she wasn’t going to loose her hard earned progress. She wasn’t going to give in. She would never allow the gloom spoil her peace and health ever again.
But how? She had no idea how. But will eventually figure out. She was determined; SHE WASNT GOING BACK and the PAST IS IN THE PAST. She will keep her system forcefully positive until she regains her beautiful and recently found, positivity!
Someone asked me what was the difference between expectations and hope and how can they both be quickly discerned.
I thought for a while and answered;
Hope is positive thinking but expectations can lead to misery. Well, if you think you will get a good boyfriend or girlfriend and end up living a good life, it’s HOPE.
On the contrary, after you get married, if you think that your life will be good and your spouse will do things to make it better, then that is expectations!
Well, alas, did I not already warn you..Expectations can lead to misery.
So peeps, have hope and have good life without expectations! Well, the message is conveyed 👍🏻😜
P.S:
This is just a witty account. But in reality I am still searching for a satisfying explanation that could help me differentiate the two. You think you can explain? Please leave a comment.
Two years before,
During this time of the year,
Someone was there in my life,
With me, from the Morning to night.
I wasn’t this happy back then,
Had too many challenges in life,
And it was getting tougher each day.
I was forsaken and lonely.
But I had someone who intensely cared,
Had someone to begin and end the day with,
Lovely GNs and SDs,
Bubbly ideas to make the days fun.
My inner ability was trusted and,
My inner self was totally loved,
I was always reassured that,
Everything would soon be fixed.
I didn’t have the energy to be happy,
But had one reason to be joyous,
A little voice urging people around me,
To make my life fab in little sweet ways.
But here I am today all awesome,
And here my life all blessed and ecstatic, But the only pain that hits me now is,
That ‘you’ don’t know any of this.
I thought we all had become one already,
And you were here to stay,
In my bad and good, in our home,
And hearts, for the rest of our lives.
You could have escaped from
our lives but would stay in our hearts.
Change could affect reality, yet
Memories and thoughts are here to stay!
Read previous chapters
As she laid on the hospital bed, she felt the comfort of his hands on hers. It hadn’t changed a bit over the years. It brought her back memories of when he had first held her hands, in her garden under the blue sky.
Her thoughts drifted to the lovely day she first met this man, who was now sitting beside her, her whole wide world now, the father of the child that is waiting to soon see this world! It was a day of feast, a day of celebration in itself. It was the New Year’s Day. They both liked each other instantly.
As both the families liked each other’s too, the perfect match was made. The immediate next day, that is the 2nd day of January, they had their marriage fixing ceremony. Their families fixed their engagement and the wedding to be at the end of the year, in the month of December. After this ceremony, he had gone abroad to work there.
They both knew their chosen better halves. They had an year long duration and a healthy distance between them. It was only natural that their initial liking had converted itself to that special feeling called love. With adequate time and understanding their relationship had become strong and healthy.
By being a dutiful lover in courtship, he had made her birthday of that year so special. He surprised her with a gift which was her passion. What moved her more than the gift itself, was his little research on her hobbies, his interest in understanding her and his little effort to get her something that meant so much to her. By this very act which she knew was very special she realised how lucky she was and that she couldn’t ask for more. But he was giving her more! He marked her birthday by adding a professional goal on to his career, an admission into a research program. They were a mutually complimenting and supportive couple. This is how their fairytale life had began and continued.
On the parental front, the year long duration had been helpful for the wedding preparations. As per their custom the bride’s father had huge responsibilities in the wedding arrangements. But he was more than happy to do it all as it was his princess’s wedding after all. He took immense pride and happiness in doing the preparations. He was going to give her princess in marriage to a real prince.
It was finally December. The date of their big day was close. In cheerful anticipation, he had planned everything so well. He had finished his official work well on time. He had invited all his friends there in advance so that they had no difficulty in planning for their travel to India. Finally, he took the most important vacation of his life and headed back home.
They both are excited about a lot of things and among others, about meeting each other. But fortunately or unfortunately, it couldn’t be an happy occasion. His dad had an upsetting news for them. Due to some reason, they had to call off the eventful engagement ritual that was planned to be happening a day before their actual Wedding.
Indian weddings are often an elaborate affair. Usually one has a lot of dreams and expectancy around it. We also wish to make every ritual special and memorable so that we could cherish it for the rest of our lives. So needless to say, a lot of physical and financial efforts go into the planning and execution of each event. A sudden cancellation of any event in a marriage would definitely mean a lot of pain, heartbreak and loss!
He knew all this very well. But he was helpless as well. So he decided to meet her in person to convey the disheartening news. He wanted to do whatever little he could do to make her feel better. As he opened up the news to her, he could see her eyes changing expressions; from confusion to disappointment to helplessness. Her eyes welled up as she speechlessly looked at him. He was pained by her quiet calm expression and he instantly reached out for her hand to reassure that he was there to support her through all this and that’s all he could do from his end.
She softly surrendered. He made her troubled face rest on their joined hands and she silently let few drops of tears flow. She flushed away her pains along with the tears she shed. He had no idea how much the support meant to her. It almost made her instinctively feel better despite the shock and loss within. She could sincerely feel his care warmth and support. His love was her solace and he was her consoler.
Her train of thoughts were disrupted by a suddenly contraction. She pans back to reality. Now she observes that the interval between her contractions had decreased and the intensity slightly increased. Lost in the thoughts of the past, she hadn’t realised that the doctors and the midwives had been entering and exiting her room, often checking on her condition. They had asked her not to lie down. They also asked him to take her on walks, around the hospital. But her medical condition, Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) (Read more on HG) that prevailed throughout her pregnancy period had not allowed her to eat anything at all in months and had weakened her completely. Due to this, she couldn’t take walks as asked of her. She was worried. Does this complicate her labor? Would it make it difficult for the little one to come out? Should she try more? She was filled with self doubt.
But, thank heavens! There he was, sitting right beside her, holding her hands, then and now. The hold had love, care and trust. He was her only benefactor and her caretaker now. He knew her well. He trusted her more than she trusted herself. He was reassuring. His eyes and his touch had always bailed her out of her mental turmoils. After all, he was her consoler always and by all means!
To be continued…
You got an interesting experience to share? Want a page from your diary beautifully rewritten and anonymously published? Write a five line excerpt to getpapillon@gmail.com.
Chai; the very word that can evoke some positive emotions in me! I have even read oftentimes how over the history, TEA is more than just a beverage. It symbolises care, warmth, good times and prosperity. It can even be a representation of contentedness, security and food sufficiency. It can give houses a feeling of home. It’s believed to create bonds and strengthen relationships. Obviously, now we can understand better and relate more to the modern day concepts of flaunting Tea rooms, Tea gardens and Tea houses.
In English homes and culture, hot servings of tea in porcelain tea sets meant a good hospitality. The ceremonious British called it ‘the afternoon tea‘ or ‘At Home‘. Who can forget the English concept of a tea party and the elaborate and beautiful crockeries of the trays and cake stands, the teapots, the sugar and creamer sets, the cups and the saucers and the plates. We all would have definitely noticed the occurrences of tea, tea pots and tea cups in English literature, poems and even rhymes.
An English tea set made of ChinaThe tea is looked upto as something nice to offer guests visiting them. Warm cups of freshly brewed tea quenches thirst, provides much needed warmth in the cold English weather. It satisfies hunger when served with bread, biscuits, cookies, tea cakes, sandwiches or any pastry which are suitable eats and go well with tea.
For the English much beneficial to their cold climatic conditions, Tea gatherings in homes, Tea lounges or anywhere in the interiors established social ties and strengthened relationships and bonds providing lot of warmth. But, for us, where the climate is warmer, evening gatherings lingering over cups of tea in a garden under the trees or anywhere out in the open where it is breezy, can be relaxing. It rejuvenates us. Its ideal for beautiful conversations, family time and acts as an excellent rapport building time.
Tea, more tea, warm tea, more warm tea, poured from China tea pots to fill the porcelain cups assured warmth, friendliness and care. Even today, the afternoon tea at 3pm or 4pm is an occasion for women and elderly people to meet and eat with peers, a happy excuse to get out in the open, gather up somewhere with friends or meet up with family for a chat.
Every time I get asked if I am a coffee person or a tea person, without a thought I would answer, I am a lover of both. I even enjoy different varieties (or I would call styles to be appropriate) of coffees and teas according to my mood. The kind of moody person I am, I decide whether or not to have a coffee/tea based on my everyday moods only. Lol, yes! Am not a regular even when it comes to coffee or tea 😜
Some evenings I choose the exotic(at least to me) Hyderabadi Irani Chai from my favourite Irani Chai outlet in a nearby food court, the only consolation, the okay sorts of an hangout spot in the suburb location which I call home now. But that doesn’t matter now. Irani Chai is perfect here and that’s all that matters 😂 This is enough to make this hangout spot a close to my heart one. Because of this one outlet named by its best product, Hyderabadi Irani Chai, the food court becomes one of my favourite spot to spend my weekend evenings with family or sometimes even by myself and I totally recommend it. The variety of unique beverages and the snacks that go in their menu is definitely worth a few visits for food enthusiasts. My favourite snack is their Punugulu and their Mirchi Bajji. The lavish sprinkles of cut onions, coriander leaves and dry masalas over the snack as a garnish and their lip smacking variety of chutneys to go with the snacks are certainly worth a mention.
This simple place and the Irani Chai always filled me with positive vibes! I have always felt very happy around this place. When I sipped the sweet strong and well brewed chai, I instantly realise how very lucky I am. It has never failed to remind me of what a blessing my life was that very moment! It’s warmth always made me appreciate what I have and to realise that it’s definitely a lot compared to many people who had significantly lesser, rather than brooding over occasional losses. Simply put, it is such a mood lifter for me.
Having said enough, over to the last evening now! We reached my most favourite spot for the evening tea. When our order arrived, very hot, in a conventional cup and saucer, we quickly changed our minds. For a good change, we decided to slurp our tea from the saucer instead of sipping it from our cups. I, as usual, had some extra fun capturing the moment to freeze it for eternity using my phone’s camera, much to the annoyance of my family 😂😜👇🏻
Why should I resist this beautiful feeling? What could go wrong in loosing oneself to love?
With the very ease and charm he proposed me, he immediately added, “If you ever choose to say No to me, you will be the first one to reject me. None of MY WOMEN have been able to do it” He definitely was joking. But I knew it had more meaning to it.
I wasn’t shocked. He never hid anything from me remember? Now, do you see? THIS is definitely a problem for me. He could or would never BELONG to me and I could or would never be happy sharing my man.
I never judged anybody’s choices. He wasn’t cheating on me or any of his women. Though he never went deep into the details, he always was very open about his interests in multiple women. At the same time, I had my own preferences and I knew clearly what I wanted and what worked for me. So he definitely wasn’t right for me and I for him. I needn’t resist this feeling but I should have restrained feeling this way with him. While there may be one million unknown things that could go wrong in loosing oneself to love, there is this ONE obvious thing that would go wrong in loosing myself to him. But obviously I never saw the obvious.
The emotion called LOVE and the adrenaline that it secretes first sends the brain on vacation, I suppose.
Whether I accepted the truth or not, the truth remains the truth and the obvious would happen. And yeah, it did. Soon it all had to end. Due to various practical inabilities, he could no longer cast his spell on me. He didn’t have that kind of time for me. The things couldn’t go on the way it used to go!
Never mind! This could happen for anyone. I would never blame him for this state. Besides I already predicted this would happen. I saw this coming, very much before I fell into the influence of his addiction. I anticipated such practical difficulties. Yet,
I was this clarity clad diva only to become a dumb victim of his charm. I was this well armoured warrior of life only to madly loose myself to him. I was this skeptical about love only to sing a sad ode to an impossible love.
But alas he had become so pitiful that he had to abandon me. He had become so inadequate that he had no time for a reasonable good bye. But convenient enough to him, it only meant that I quickly got back my sanity. I made sure I wasn’t acting insane to him. He needn’t have the slightest of idea on how insanely crazy I am. I was no fool to show my real self and my deep feelings to someone who wouldn’t want to know. At least according to him, he was not at fault or it could be excused on account of his problems and pain. But wait, did you say pain, problems? Lol.
I, on the other hand, have no record or realistic data on my pain and problems. I don’t have my recovery path recorded or plotted on a timeline. I have no intentions to allege him for his rejections. I have no way of proving the loss I suffered. I didn’t reveal anything to him. He didn’t want to and so he didn’t have to know how deeply this hurt me and how badly it affected me.
But through it all, I only found out and knew one thing very clearly. We, apart from being not right for each other, he didn’t deserve my craziness for him. When I say this I try to be factual and not to be accusing. But sad truth (not sad for me anymore) is that; he definitely didn’t respect me or value my feelings.
I definitely understood his practical reasons. I also could partly rationalise why he turned a deaf ear to my anticipations of the same. But I still couldn’t forgive him for the lack of respect and empathy he had while he ended it, if at all I could even call it an ending. He didn’t end anything. He simply abandoned me.
My eyes welled. But now I didn’t and I wouldn’t cry for him, for the loss, for loosing him. If this was a bodily love, I had gotten great happiness from it. If it was a soulful love, he wouldn’t have crushed my soul while leaving me. He would have done it in a better way.
Thoughts drifted to the last time we spoke. It’s was a less than ten seconds conversation. I had initiated the conversation. It was a well planned and executed one. I intended to keep it very very short. I only wanted to update him on something important. I just did that. Obviously, knowing his schedule well, I caught him when he couldn’t talk much. After a crisp and cheerful ‘Hi’, which obviously was forced and fake, just in order not to show him my pain, I quickly blurted out the news. Then, without waiting for his response, I quickly bid him adieu. And the job was done. He never called me after that as I knew he wouldn’t.
While I dealt with all the pain and rejection alone, and while he was tending to his painful and problematic life. Alas, what a pity! When the time was right for him, he contacted me again. We even had a couple of telephonic conversations. He seemed quite happy and cheerful all over again. I have no idea what opinion he has about me in his mind. But for me, he was simply yet another friend. I managed successfully not to hate him or blame him.
Thankfully, despite not hating him, there wasn’t any magic anymore. As always, it even rained on one of the days we spoke. But rain no longer has that kinda effect in me.
Am now fully out of his intoxication. I was confused whether to be happy about this or not. One of his statements from our best times lingered in my heart;
Oh dear, I know winning a girls heart is not easy. I have a huge responsibility now in keeping it safe for am afraid if I ever let you down, you will never be able to love truly again.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Certain parts of the narrative contains slight persuasive behaviour, mild stalking and polygamous practices. This doesn’t mean that the writer and the owner of the site, in anyway endorse, recommend or support such practices and behaviours. It was included in the narrative only because it was part of the story to be told.
You got an interesting experience to share? Want a page from your diary beautifully rewritten and anonymously published? Write a five line excerpt to mailto:getpapillon@gmail.com.
My protective armour; my belief of how I could never fall in love, ever again, failed me miserably. I could feel my heart cheerfully hang out like that of an untroubled teen. I could only look at it in awe. My brain wanted to warn before my heart could get hurt but my heart wasn’t clearly listening.
His presence excited me, thrilled me. I was liking him more than I planned to. But one good thing was, I was too aware of myself. I wasn’t out of my senses or my control to let all these feelings ruin me, more importantly ruin us and our friendship I thought it was.
So I came to an agreement with it. I wasn’t gonna control the happiness I feel around his presence. Happiness was rare in my life at that point in time. Happiness is my birth right too and I wasn’t gonna loose it. But at the same time, I was very clear that all this was going to remain as a hallucination only. I shall not try to bring this happiness into reality. I never did. But he did!
Our occasional phone calls progressed to everyday calls. His occasional compliments changed to regular ones. Even better, he started to give feedback on many aspects of my life; not just positive ones and not just on my physical appearance. His opinions were always honest, though it might not be correct all the time. Even if I disagreed he never cared to change it. Besides, he hardly hid anything from me or lied to me. All this somehow (mis)led me to believe that it was all utterly genuine. Unknowingly, slowly and beautifully I started to yield to his charm. I started to fall for him.
To my shock, he was advancing further. He clearly seemed to like me more than he should. I liked that romantic tension between us. He seemed to have no fear or inhibition, to so beautifully express himself. I secretly admired and enjoyed every bit of the courtship.
At times, when he tries interesting things to impress me, I would get overwhelmed. I would admiringly say that he was such a charmer and that every woman would die to get a man like him. He would proudly respond by saying, “You bet! Try me baby. I will make you very happy that you will never regret. Are you gonna give me a NO for an answer?”
I struggled to handle all these, but in ecstasy. All his charm and his daring proposal were working against my defence system. I could foresee myself blissfully loosing control and loosing the battle against him in keeping my sanity. But wait…!! Why should I resist this beautiful feeling? What could go wrong in loosing oneself to love?
While there may be one million unknown things that could go wrong in loosing oneself to love, there is this ONE obvious thing that would go wrong in loosing myself to him. But obviously I never saw the obvious.
The emotion called LOVE and the adrenaline that it secretes first sends the brain on vacation, I suppose.
To answer his proposal, I would confess, “You are incredibly romantic and it definitely is very easy for me to fall for you and FALL IN LOVE with you, head over heels. But that is not gonna be right”
But his stubborn interest in me hit me hard. There always was some amount of gentle assertiveness in him. I loved that aspect of him the most. I, being a girl who secretly craved to be controlled, readily lost myself to this confident assertive man. I still remember those conversations of the night when he makes me feel drunk by his words of ardent love.
One night I begged, “Please stop it. I can take your love no more. Normally I wouldn’t get moved easily. But you talk with me anymore and I’ll loose my composure.” He responded with a smirk, “Lose it!” He would demand that he needs more time with me. He would protests to my unavailability. I completely enjoyed his grip on our relationship.
I had lost my senses, my control, my power to understand and discriminate against good and bad. I loved my current state of so much that I never wanted this to end. I even foolishly believed that it never would end.
To be continued…
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Certain parts of the narrative contains slight persuasive behaviour, mild stalking behaviour and polygamous practices. This doesn’t mean that the writer and the owner of the site, in anyway endorse, recommend or support such practices and behaviours. It was included in the narrative only because it was part of the story to be told.
You got an interesting experience to share? Want a page from your diary beautifully rewritten and anonymously published? Write a five line excerpt to
mailto:getpapillon@gmail.com.
Work was her antidote, For HE was her POISON!
Cover pic courtesy: Lines from my favourite piece by CoffeeInAWineglass
It has long since dawned. Still no sunlight. It was too dark in the insides of her house like inside her heart. It was cloudy and dark. It was very unusual in the place where she lived. It’s sunny all year round. She would have loved this dim lighting with him, cuddling up with him on bed! But alas, what use it is of now?
Like everyday, she got up from her bed to open the windows. She found out IT HAD RAINED ALL NIGHT AND IT STILL WAS RAINING…
What more she needed…of course, to miss him. As if she wasn’t, already. But, rains makes it more difficult for her. It RAINS now and she thought of HIM, thought of good old days. Their relationship milestones had all been marked by the rain, every single time.
And now it rained too. But she knows where their relationship is 💦
He entered my life when I wasn’t expecting much from it. I had taken too long to realise what life was all about. Oh but wait! Did I really understand life…? I had to smile at myself on such a question, despite my cheeks still being wet from my fresh tears. Had I understood what life was all about, I wouldn’t be here… here again.. broken!
I had clearly understood life or once I thought I did. There can’t exist things like soulmate or leave alone that, there isn’t anything called love, the emotional surrender that I thought it was. The only place such a love takes you to is PAIN nonetheless. But oh!!! What happened to this understanding when he came close?!
It all started from nothing. He was yet another acquaintance. I held nothing more than goodwill and respect for him. I liked some of his traits, or many. I feared not, to reveal it. (The importance of a punctuation mark: Imagine this sentence without a comma as it was earlier. It could have given the exact opposite meaning; I feared, not to reveal it.) I was always lavish but honest when it comes to compliments. Is this one of my mistakes? Does this make it sound any different than it should actually? If so, I am so tired of people’s hypocrisy, double standards and the habit of reading between the lines. In my opinion,
A compliment is meant to be a compliment. It is given (or I should say, it should be given) and should be taken only in that sense and nothing more than that.
How easy it becomes for people to flirt with the ones that compliment them. I am not sure if this was the case in mine. I have no idea if my compliments misled him into believing anything that I didn’t mean to convey. Anyways, suddenly certain things started happening, one by one, and it all led to what I am today; broken, shattered and feeling unwanted all over again! What an irony life was!!
Initially, I never recognised he was flirting until one day he admitted it, jokingly of course. I didn’t even believe him for I thought he could or would never flirt with me. I was so very confident about that. He even asked me if I thought he couldn’t flirt with me or he wouldn’t. Again I had no hesitation in admitting that I thought he wouldn’t, that too with me, for we never shared that kinda relationship. In fact I so clearly remember that day’s conversation when he finally left me confused if could mean what he was saying…
Few more happy days of cute conversations, sweet nothings shared at irregular intervals, compliments exchanged, more received that made my days, and occasional unbelievable flirting, so subtle that it confused me every time if he did flirt! Yeah, as always I was confident that he wouldn’t and skeptical that not wit me!
He used to call me rarely. Few of them I happened to miss. And few I would attend. I still remember how embarrassed I was when he had called first few times and the initial discomfort to strike conversations. It was that part of the year when the climate was changing, from hot summer to chill and rainy autumn. I also remember that it rained beautifully every time we talked over the phone, in length.
I was indeed unaware that just like how the climate changed from the heat to the chill, our relationship too had become cool and comfortable. I had hardly realised how close we have become until he startled me by guessing my mood swings so well. On the days when I was down he knew it even if I didn’t tell him. And when I start to become better, he understood that too without me telling him. He was the one who could look through my ‘I am fine’ or ‘I am good’ and could understand how I was, just by the way I text him. His understanding sure moved me.
But I wasn’t gonna get hurt ever again. I clang on to my skepticism as if it were my armour to protect me.
To be continued…
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Certain parts of the narrative contains slight persuasive behaviour, mild stalking behaviour and polygamous practices. This doesn’t mean that the writer and the owner of the site, in anyway endorse, recommend or support such practices and behaviours. It was included in the narrative only because it was part of the story to be told.
You got an interesting experience to share? Want a page from your diary beautifully rewritten and anonymously published? Write a five line excerpt to
mailto:getpapillon@gmail.com.
