Why should I resist this beautiful feeling? What could go wrong in loosing oneself to love?
With the very ease and charm he proposed me, he immediately added, “If you ever choose to say No to me, you will be the first one to reject me. None of MY WOMEN have been able to do it” He definitely was joking. But I knew it had more meaning to it.
I wasn’t shocked. He never hid anything from me remember? Now, do you see? THIS is definitely a problem for me. He could or would never BELONG to me and I could or would never be happy sharing my man.
I never judged anybody’s choices. He wasn’t cheating on me or any of his women. Though he never went deep into the details, he always was very open about his interests in multiple women. At the same time, I had my own preferences and I knew clearly what I wanted and what worked for me. So he definitely wasn’t right for me and I for him. I needn’t resist this feeling but I should have restrained feeling this way with him. While there may be one million unknown things that could go wrong in loosing oneself to love, there is this ONE obvious thing that would go wrong in loosing myself to him. But obviously I never saw the obvious.
The emotion called LOVE and the adrenaline that it secretes first sends the brain on vacation, I suppose.
Whether I accepted the truth or not, the truth remains the truth and the obvious would happen. And yeah, it did. Soon it all had to end. Due to various practical inabilities, he could no longer cast his spell on me. He didn’t have that kind of time for me. The things couldn’t go on the way it used to go!
Never mind! This could happen for anyone. I would never blame him for this state. Besides I already predicted this would happen. I saw this coming, very much before I fell into the influence of his addiction. I anticipated such practical difficulties. Yet,
I was this clarity clad diva only to become a dumb victim of his charm. I was this well armoured warrior of life only to madly loose myself to him. I was this skeptical about love only to sing a sad ode to an impossible love.
But alas he had become so pitiful that he had to abandon me. He had become so inadequate that he had no time for a reasonable good bye. But convenient enough to him, it only meant that I quickly got back my sanity. I made sure I wasn’t acting insane to him. He needn’t have the slightest of idea on how insanely crazy I am. I was no fool to show my real self and my deep feelings to someone who wouldn’t want to know. At least according to him, he was not at fault or it could be excused on account of his problems and pain. But wait, did you say pain, problems? Lol.
I, on the other hand, have no record or realistic data on my pain and problems. I don’t have my recovery path recorded or plotted on a timeline. I have no intentions to allege him for his rejections. I have no way of proving the loss I suffered. I didn’t reveal anything to him. He didn’t want to and so he didn’t have to know how deeply this hurt me and how badly it affected me.
But through it all, I only found out and knew one thing very clearly. We, apart from being not right for each other, he didn’t deserve my craziness for him. When I say this I try to be factual and not to be accusing. But sad truth (not sad for me anymore) is that; he definitely didn’t respect me or value my feelings.
I definitely understood his practical reasons. I also could partly rationalise why he turned a deaf ear to my anticipations of the same. But I still couldn’t forgive him for the lack of respect and empathy he had while he ended it, if at all I could even call it an ending. He didn’t end anything. He simply abandoned me.
My eyes welled. But now I didn’t and I wouldn’t cry for him, for the loss, for loosing him. If this was a bodily love, I had gotten great happiness from it. If it was a soulful love, he wouldn’t have crushed my soul while leaving me. He would have done it in a better way.
Thoughts drifted to the last time we spoke. It’s was a less than ten seconds conversation. I had initiated the conversation. It was a well planned and executed one. I intended to keep it very very short. I only wanted to update him on something important. I just did that. Obviously, knowing his schedule well, I caught him when he couldn’t talk much. After a crisp and cheerful ‘Hi’, which obviously was forced and fake, just in order not to show him my pain, I quickly blurted out the news. Then, without waiting for his response, I quickly bid him adieu. And the job was done. He never called me after that as I knew he wouldn’t.
While I dealt with all the pain and rejection alone, and while he was tending to his painful and problematic life. Alas, what a pity! When the time was right for him, he contacted me again. We even had a couple of telephonic conversations. He seemed quite happy and cheerful all over again. I have no idea what opinion he has about me in his mind. But for me, he was simply yet another friend. I managed successfully not to hate him or blame him.
Thankfully, despite not hating him, there wasn’t any magic anymore. As always, it even rained on one of the days we spoke. But rain no longer has that kinda effect in me.
Am now fully out of his intoxication. I was confused whether to be happy about this or not. One of his statements from our best times lingered in my heart;
Oh dear, I know winning a girls heart is not easy. I have a huge responsibility now in keeping it safe for am afraid if I ever let you down, you will never be able to love truly again.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Certain parts of the narrative contains slight persuasive behaviour, mild stalking and polygamous practices. This doesn’t mean that the writer and the owner of the site, in anyway endorse, recommend or support such practices and behaviours. It was included in the narrative only because it was part of the story to be told.
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